Today, I am feeling….uninspired! I’m in a rut. I think that I have turned my hobby into an obsession. I waste my time doing useless things that don’t benefit me at all. I worry about unimportant things that have no meaning in my life, nor benefit me at all.
I started my channel on YouTube with so many ideas of what I wanted my channel to be. I had started watching a few Youtubers, one was the very talented Carli Bybel. To be honest, she was not the most precise or technically trained in the craft, which was apparent, but I was most interested in the fact that without those skills her makeup still turned out looking flawless. I dove in hard and became obsessed on several Youtubers and Instagrammers. I know the ins and outs, I know the back stories of most of my favorites Influencers. I basically know most gossips and pretty much feel like a stalker.
Fast forward to the present….All the time I have spent which I considered “research” turned out to be me losing myself along the way. I find myself second guessing my knowledge, my technique, my ability. I find myself comparing what I produce to others and thinking it’s not good enough. I find myself diving in further and investing money on useless things, thinking that they will improve what I’m lacking. My videos and Instagram pics don’t have adequate lighting so I refuse to post or film until I get the right equipment. My pics don’t look esthetically appropriate to my liking, so I have to filter the heck out of them.
I devote so much time to social media that by the time I’m done I have run out of time, or don’t know what to post. I feel FOMO (fear of missing out) when I’m not on it. I get anxiety and have to catch up on the latest. I have become obsessed with these people and feel the need to be involved at least by watching. I am trying to be a supporter and loyal.
Now I find myself, lost, uninspired and confused. I try really hard to motivate myself, but it’s hard. I started my website for many reasons, but most importantly, I started it as a way to hopefully become a platform where I can come here and just vent. A place to share because although you may watch a few videos of mine, you truly don’t know much about me, but I have over come a lot of difficulties in my life. I still continue to somehow stay strong and remain hopeful after everything. HOPE!! I think that is what keeps me going. I think it’s the candle that keeps lit inside me.
I know what I have to do, but somehow feel it hard undoing what I have become accustomed to. I want to be more active here on my website. Somehow, I have to figure out how to accomplish that and bring back my passion and creativity without loosing myself in the vicious and competitive social media world. I have to be happy with what I produce and try to be more myself. I have so many goals and dreams I want to accomplish. For starters, I want to revamp my website and open a store. I am a BOSS woman, always have felt that, but my insecurities and fears get in the way. I am capable of much more…….I will push through!!